30 years ago the 19-year-old Karina was sitting alone at one of the coffee tables in a big cafe, looking at the Kurfürstendamm in Berlin. I can still remember that moment, when she was looking forward to her forthcoming life. She was filled with joy in anticipation of the coming adventures and a great career as . . . well, she didn't know anything about that at this moment, but she was sure that she would have a great and glamorous career.
Back then Karina was still single. She would meet Andrew a couple months later. For her graduation ceremony, two months earlier, she had lost a lot of weight and, as a result, looked as attractive as never before. She was sure that life would NOW really begin. No more school and she had her papers for the university in her hand already. Freedom! Soon she would probably also move out of her mother's home and finally get out of her shadow. The joy that flowed through Karina that afternoon felt as exhilarating as eggnog: Sweet, dizzy, and soooooo delicious.
And then I, the 49-year-old Karina, sat down at her small coffee table and, although it was a brilliant sunny spring day, the room suddenly darkened.
I met with young Karina because, once again, for several days I felt this endless pain about the fact that I was never able to find a great career and make a lot of money in my life.
Honestly, this wasn't new for me at all, and I had tried to resolve these feelings with the help of Nonviolent Communication, Byron Katie's The Work, meditation, therapy, and God knows what else. But nothing had helped so far.
But this time I found a solution when my friend Laura gave me an unexpected counseling session by phone. She is really good at this and earns her living as a coach, often by phone or Skype. I strongly recommend her: http://lauraghedina.com
She was convinced that my heart's desire for a career was due to a promise that I once gave to someone. And she helped me to find out to whom I could have made that promise.
She wanted me to imagine my mother next to me on the sofa. Immediately my tears came up. I suddenly knew that I had promised my mother as a child to meet her dreams of fame, money, and glory. I was ashamed that I had not been able to give her that. Then I also had to include my grandmother in my visualization because she had the same dreams and she had passed them on to my mother and then to me.
Laura then asked me to visualize my longing for this mysterious, glamorous career as heavy sandbags and to give them to my mother and grandmother.
Grandma had no problem with that. She took the sandbags and chuckled. It was easy for her to laugh about that since she has been dead for a while.
For my mother it was a little more difficult. We both cried. I could see how sad she was. It was difficult for her to let go of this promise and the hope for its fulfillment. But after a few moments I felt that her love for me triumphed. It has always been like that between us. She has a huge hard head but ultimately she wants me to find my way.
All that didn't feel bad at all. But the next day I decided that I had to meet another person. Someone who was disappointed most of all: I, myself. I finally wanted to figure out how I could forgive myself.
That is why I imagined myself sitting in this café, looking at the young Karina thirty years ago. She looked back and I immediately began to cry.
"Oh, Karina, I can't tell you how very sorry I am that I couldn't fulfill your dream of a fabulous career. I did not make it. Just not make it."
As expected, young Karina got upset. But then she calmed down and began asking questions.
"How does your life look right now?"
"Well, I'm normal weight and I married Andrew a few years ago and I live with him in the US. I like the job I have right now, especially because the colleagues are uniquely nice there. Andrew and I live in a small house and I travel back to Berlin twice a year. I am also earning some money as a writer. Life is actually really good, but I still carry this bad conscience and a lot of shame with me because I didn't fulfill the promise I made to you so many years ago."
She thought about that for a while.
"You are a normal weight and have married an American who is the great love of your life? And you even live in the US and have actually a nice job? And you are a writer? Well, honestly, that doesn't sound that bad! You've delivered 2 1/2 of the three major promises that you have given to me. And besides, you live in the USA! What an adventure!"
The young Karina could then easily take back my promise for a glittering career. She was happy with what I've achieved so far. She even found that the career was the least important promise of all the promises that I had given to her. And even that one was fulfilled partially. Love and being slim were clearly more important for her than glamour and prestige.
Reading this post, I have the feeling that this is very banal. In retrospect, I think: "Isn't it logical that any career dreams are less important than all the other things that I have achieved in life?" But the truth is that I have never felt like that before. I have always felt sadness and shame only and couldn't forget my unfulfilled dreams. Only now I feel that I have really forgiven myself.
I feel so relieved now. I do not know if that will last. But doing this has helped me a lot.
You should also try it! It's called constellation work. Ask my friend Laura. She will be happy to help you. ;-)
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Find this article also in German - Ballast abwerfen oder wie vergebe ich mir selbst? - Die deutsche Version dieses Artikels
Find this article also in German - Ballast abwerfen oder wie vergebe ich mir selbst? - Die deutsche Version dieses Artikels
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