Thank God I'm Still Fat

Who would we be if we had no problems anymore? What would we think and talk about? How would we fill our time? A few years ago I became aware that I allowed my problems to define me. And the prospect of having no problems anymore made me afraid.

I vividly remember that day more than 20 years ago. I just went along the street to my apartment. An hour earlier I had signed my very first proper work contract, with the promise of training as a bookseller in the following year. I was in my late 20s and had FINALLY, FINALLY, managed to pursue a professional direction. I couldn't have been happier in that moment.

But when I approached my house, I slowed down and got more thoughtful. My joy was reduced with every step because I became aware of something. So many years I had three problems that appeared to me enormous and insurmountable. First, I was overweight and my weight increased continuously; second, I had been single for ages; and third, since I left school I didn't know what I wanted to do for a living and had therefore neither a job nor any useful training (I don't count my time at the university because it never let into a career).

My third problem was thus solved, and when I realized this I stopped on the sidewalk. This mega problem was actually solved. I no longer had to feel guilty and shabby because I had no profession. I had no reason to experience periods of depression, become self-reproachful, constantly buy new books on the subject, or go into therapy. But instead of relief I felt something completely different.

I heard myself seriously ask "Now what? I actually got rid of this existential problem. But what's left of me?" Feelings of emptiness and fear grew in me.

And then came the answer: "Thank God I'm still fat!"

Mind Over Matter: Can You Get a Seat in Business Class Just by Thinking About It?

Our thoughts create reality. I know that but I keep forgetting it. But if I remember that, I have an astonishing ability to change circumstances.

There is a simple little trick to inwardly prepare for unpleasant situations because sometimes we think we can't avoid those situations. Maybe you think that it is your duty to regularly meet your family even though some of them are often very crabby. Or maybe you are willing to suffer from back pain on long intercontinental flights because you know that without these trips you wouldn't be able to see new countries. Or maybe you are afraid of tests but since they are very important for your career you are willing to take them anyway.

These are all situations that are uncomfortable for us but often we decide to go through them anyway because they are important to us. But how can we make these kinds of situations easier?

Do you hate exercising? Then don't do it!

Everything in my life boils down to how I feel. If I feel good, I am full of optimism, energy, and ideas. If I feel sad, frustrated, alone, inferior, etc., the opposite is the case. It's logical, isn't it? That is the reason why I am so interested in finding methods (and then actually applying them) that help me to get over my lows. But I also want to make sure that I get rid of the thought patterns that made me feel so bad in the first place.

And that is exactly the reason why I do not exercise anymore.

What is my real age?

Two weeks ago, early in the morning, I stood in semi-darkness in front of our bedroom mirror and got dressed. I saw my face in the reflection and was surprised about what I noticed. I immediately went to Andrew who was in the bathroom and asked if he noticed how tired and old I looked this morning. I was wondering out loud if an oncoming cold was the reason for my tired looking face.

Andrew stared at me aghast. By the look on his face I could tell that he did not find that I had changed. I came to the conclusion that I had apparently reached the age where a woman might look old and tired in the morning.

Interesting, I thought, and how nice that I didn't care much. For I look now, in my 40s, much better than I did in my mid-twenties. At least I think so. Although I had no wrinkles in my twenties, I was already very overweight, which got even worse later on.