In my last post I wrote about how my judgmental thinking causes all my emotions and how changing my thinking can change my feelings. That's why I took a close look at my thoughts about this colleague of mine. I noticed that there was a lot of negative thinking involved. His behavior bothered me because I thought that he is lazy and is lacking any respect for women. The way I understood his behavior was that he seemed to expect that the women in the office were supposed to fill the fridge with fresh Half & Half.
But who knows whether my judgment really reflected reality? I personally have a great need for respect from men. I always react very sensitively if I even suspect that something between men and women doesn't seem to be fair. But that's not my colleague's fault. And how can I be so sure that his behavior, when facing an empty milk box, proves his lack of respect for women? Isn't that a little farfetched? Honestly, I don’t have a clue how he behaves towards women in his private time. Besides the milk thing, he seemed to be a nice guy in the office.
But sometimes I like getting annoyed by others. Unfortunately, it gives me some satisfaction to devalue others. Devaluating others means that I am elevating myself. And that feels good. (I have thoughts like that: I'm so much better than my colleague, after all, I think of the milk for my colleagues and he doesn't. He is lazy and I'm not, etc.) Suddenly, I feel like a woman is worth more than men. And that feels good. But in my opinion the price I pay for this self-aggrandizement is much too big. Although I raise myself, I get annoyed anyway. I get cranky and because I'm in a bad mood, I remember other things and situations that annoy me even more. (Look at that! It happened again. Some of my co-workers didn't clean their coffee mugs. And now what? Are they expecting me to clean them? I'm sure that when I come home tonight, Andrew probably still hasn't repaired the door. etc, etc.). My mood gets worse. My day is spoiled.
Luckily I remember what I wrote about the squirrel and the seagull. It doesn't matter what other people do or who they are. Whatever I think of other people, they are the way they are. They walk around and take care of their lives. I decide whether I like it or not. It is always my decision. So, if I notice that I get upset about someone or something, I will check carefully whether this is for my own benefit or not. There are situations, not only for women, when feelings of anger can protect us. If I get angry at someone, I will either go away, or if that's not possible, make sure that I change my attitude about this person. That's where the Nonviolent Communication and Byron Katie's The Work come in helpful.
And what about my coworker?
He changed his behavior. Although he still doesn’t buy any Half & Half, he does other helpful things in the office. He is actually a really nice guy who is sometimes just a little thoughtless, like everyone else (including myself). He really wants to be helpful. I like him a lot.
I never spoke with him about his behavior but worked on my thoughts and feelings about him. I noticed that the anger I felt had little to do with him but a lot with experiences I had with colleagues in previous jobs. After I noticed that, I was able to see that he usually behaved very respectful to women. He still somehow expects that the Half & Half is miraculously showing up in the fridge, but I don't care anymore.
It was my choice not to hold on to this anger.
You have the same choice. Always.
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