What is Food Addiction?

The last few days I became aware of something: I often mention in my blog that I was very overweight a few years ago. Maybe I used, here and there, the words "food addiction." But I actually kind of avoided this topic in my blog until now. And yet it is to me a major priority to spread the word that food addiction really exists. This concern is even so important to me that I wrote a book about it (but it hasn’t been published yet).

So what is food addiction?

On the website of Overeaters Anonymous, there is a checklist which I find very helpful when someone is unsure whether he or she has simply poor eating habits or is really addicted to food.

Food addiction has many faces. Just like alcoholism, the symptoms are not the same for everyone. Some people can't stop eating once they have begun; others puke as soon as they put something in their mouth; and there are the ones who refuse to eat at all. But we all have one thing in common: an obsession with food. Whether we are over eaters, bulimic or anorexic - all of us are constantly busy with food mentally. We are always negotiating new rules with us about when and how much we should eat - just to break these rules over and over again. Then guilt and self-hatred become so strong that some are seriously contemplating suicide.

Superficially, food addicts seem to function. We have jobs and families and friends. But nobody sees how hard it is for us to keep the facade while we are obsessed with food.

How does my food addiction look alike?

Ever since I was twenty, I have known that I am a food addict. I wanted so badly to get rid of this addiction. Already in my early twenties, I was exhausted of watching myself gain all the weight back after every agonizing diet. I had no power over my eating behavior. Even if I could sometimes stay on a diet for months, I constantly had to fight with my fantasies about food and with my cravings. And there was always that moment when I made an "exception" to my diet plan. This exception led very quickly to other exceptions and then to binge eating. I was totally powerless over my binge attacks, and so many times I had to watch myself putting all the weight back that I had lost before.

When I wasn't on a diet, every night I ate huge plates of pasta or two Döner Kebabs (big pieces of roasted bread with salad and meat) and then cake and/or a big pot of ice cream or anything else sweet as a dessert. These hours of binging were sacred to me. Because at no time in my life I felt as good as in the moments when I was chewing and swallowing my favorite food. That's why I couldn't and didn't want to stop eating.

But eventually even my overstretched stomach reached its limits. I could hardly move and felt numb. My whole body focused on the huge amounts that I had just eaten. But despite the welcome anesthesia, feelings of self-hatred slowly surfaced in my conscience. I knew this already. These feelings and thoughts never came unexpectedly. But somehow, every meal I hoped that they would not come this time.

After these food binges that usually took place almost every night, I dragged myself to bed feeling miserable. And every time, really every time, I promised myself that I would eat very differently the next day. I swore, going forward, I would eat only healthy food and small portions. At least I knew exactly what and how much I had to eat to lose weight. My despair and my self-hatred were almost unbearable. Every night I thought I had FINALLY FOREVER learned from my mistakes and would only take small and healthy portions from the next day on.

But the next morning at breakfast, however, I noticed that my decision wavered. I argued with myself that a Nutella sandwich could not make such a difference, right? Also, I hated to throw away food. It would be a shame to throw a full jar of Nutella away, right? How about if I would finish all the food I had and would then start with healthy eating? And so it went all day. And that night again I found myself sitting in front of the TV with mountains of food.

Sometimes I was a good girl and made it through the day with only two sandwiches for lunch. But on my way home from work I wasn't able to withstand my craving for fast food.

And so it went, on and on and on, interrupted by diets when I even thought more about food than usual, because I wasn't allowed to eat what I so much loved.

Food was my best friend.

Food gave me warmth and security. Food also gave me sensuality. I know it sounds paradoxical because I hated myself and my body so much that I couldn't bear intimate relationships with men. But when I was overeating, it was as if I could feel my body positively, which had nothing to do with sexuality, but with a lot of sensuality.

Food comforted me. Eating connected me with friends. Food caressed me. Food gave me security when I was unsure and warmth when I felt lonely. The idea of not eating my favorite food anymore meant death to me - literally. I then would lose everything that was good in my life. After all, what would be left if I would stop eating? I had no husband, no children, and no family (except my mother). I had jobs but no calling. In short, deep inside, I believed that my life was not really worth living without eating my favorite dishes to excess.

Food addiction is as dangerous as alcoholism.

That’s how it was for me when I lived out my addiction. Although I only wrote about a small part of my addicted self, perhaps non-addicts can now better understand that this is really an addiction - as bad as drug or alcohol addiction.

I've learned that there are several ways to deal with this addiction. I found a way for me that might look extreme, some even say unhealthy. But it has worked fantastically for me for more than eight years.

I only eat three meals a day-nothing in between-and at all costs avoid any form of sugar and flour products. In addition, I weigh and measure every meal as I have lost any sense of the "right amount" due to decades of overeating.

But this discipline (which for me however doesn't feel like discipline at all, but as if it's quite natural - we are creatures of habit) can't be implemented into your life without an effective support system. I am constantly in contact with people who are just as addicted as I am and who have opted for the same form of abstinence. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) offer such a support system that is also free.

Every addict needs help. None of us can do it on our own. If you are a food addict, go and look for the help you deserve.

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Find this article also in German - Was ist eigentlich Esssucht? - Die deutsche Version dieses Artikels