Our body is often only a reflection and not the cause of the feelings that we experience. My weight was a perfect symbol of all my feelings I carried with me since early childhood. I always had the impression that I was somehow wrong and I never felt I was part of something. I was always isolated. The more I struggled to fit in, the heavier I became. It was only when I began to tackle my inner conflicts directly and solve them, instead of making myself "fit" through diets, that I found a way to permanently lose weight.
A week ago, I flew from America to Berlin to visit all my friends there. Whenever I put my bags in the car, which brings me to the bus, which brings me to the airport in Boston, I am looking forward to seeing all the people I love in Berlin.
Every time I board a plane and sit down in one of those narrow seats in economy class, I am so happy to see that I fit in these seats at all. It is even easy for me to buckle up. Sometimes I still cannot believe that this is possible.
I still remember vividly my last flight as a heavy person more than 16 years ago when I weighed about 300 lbs. I flew with a group to a training course in Spain and didn’t fit in my seat. I had to squeeze myself into it in a weird angle and half of my buttocks hung over the arm rest. The belt was too short, by far, and the stewardess had to get an extension which also didn't fit.
So I sat with a distorted spine, my left hip upward shifted and my torso bent towards my left side because I didn't want to bother my seatmate. In addition, the stewardess felt very sorry for my uncomfortable situation and expended a lot of effort to make the flight easier for me. But her attention made me feel even more ashamed of being so overweight.
Luckily the flight within Europe only lasted a few hours. I could never imagine spending a six or seven-hour intercontinental flight in this position.
At that time I swore to never board an aircraft again, even if that meant that this would be my very last trip. Back then I was totally powerless over my food addiction and gained another 40 pounds in the following years. I kept my oath until I unexpectedly lost all of my extra pounds many years later.
Last week when I slid again, like so many times in the last six and a half years, into one of those economy seats, one of the principles of the law of attraction came to mind: "That which is within is equal to that which is outside." The fact that I now fit into all seats is, for me, an external image for that I generally feel a part of life and society. But I had developed this feeling long before my weight loss.
Obese as I was, I always used to worry about whether chairs were either too tight or too weak for me. That precisely reflected my feeling that I did not seem to fit into this world at all. And that had nothing to do with my being overweight. Starting in my early childhood I always had the feeling of not being right and that I was behaving wrong wherever I was. Somehow I always seemed to say and do the wrong things. I felt isolated. As a teenager I never found the right peer group and over the years I developed social anxieties. I was always afraid of being a burden to others and was sure that just being myself bothered people. For as long as I remember, I thought there was no place for me and tried to stay away from people as much as possible.
My excessive weight was such a perfect mirror for all these feelings and thoughts.
Then I got to know Nonviolent Communication, which helped me to overcome my social anxiety. It took me two to three years, but then I was completely transformed. I had no fear of strange people anymore and felt comfortable in large groups, something that had never been possible for me before. And I learned to communicate my feelings and thoughts appropriately. I felt more and more comfortable with my family and friends.
Life opened up for me and I found groups and communities in which I was totally accepted. It was awesome.
And then I found a group with which I lost all my excessive weight.
I do not know if I over-interpret past events. But it really is true: First I overcame my feelings of alienation, fear, shame and loneliness before I found a method with which I could lose weight permanently.
It was only when I learned to feel comfortable with other people and myself and when I no longer thought I was a burden to others that I also lost my physical load.
Whatever happens in your life is just a reflection of your beliefs. For me it has always been true that if I wanted to change something in my life without dealing with my inner conflicts, the changes were never permanent (diets, for example). I always lost some weight when I was on a diet and that helped me to feel a little more comfortable in my body, but my other feelings of shame and isolation remained. Soon I gained all the weight back, and even more.
It's been a long road for me, learning to feel at ease in this world. Losing the weight, itself, was quick compared to that. It took me only one and a half years to lose 180 pounds.
Today my freedom to choose between seats reflects the ease with which I move through my life and my relationships. It is a pleasure to be light. On all levels.
That which is within is equal to that which is outside.
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