On December 1st, 2014, it was unusually warm after we had a big snowstorm with very cold temperatures the week before. I took my lunch out and sat for half an hour outside on a bench. One of these large but extremely cute gray North American squirrels came up to me. It clearly hoped to get some food from me. It circled me once and then jumped on my bench and sniffed my pocketbook extensively. I was blown away. This animal looked soooooo cute with its bushy tail, little nose, tiny beady eyes, and his funny way of moving, half walking and half hopping. SIMPLY ADORABLE, I thought. And besides, it had been a long time since a squirrel had been so close to me. You see them here everywhere, but they are almost always very shy. However, this one wasn`t.
I enjoyed feeling happy. Isn`t it wonderful to be able to be so happy about something? But then I thought how strange it was that this squirrel made me so happy. It actually didn't do anything to give me pleasure. It was just the way it was. It did what it always does (look for food) and took very little notice of me. It didn’t have the faintest idea that it released those wonderful feelings in me.
The same is true for seagulls. Here, where I live, seagulls are referred to as the flying rats (That`s what we call pidgins in Berlin). Like the pidgins, they don`t do anything to bring the resentment or disgust of people. They are just as they are, flying around, constantly looking for something to eat, and live their lives.
What distinguishes these two animals from each other? And I am not talking about the fact that they belong to two different species. Why do people sometimes feel so differently about them?
Because we judge them differently. It has nothing to do with what these animals do or how they do it. WE decide if we find animals cute, take pleasure in them or not. I, for example, love seagulls. I admire and smile at every single seagull that I see. I cannot get enough of them. I love the sounds they make and how greedy and curious they sometimes behave.
And that is exactly what I have learned from Marshall Rosenberg, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle and many other teachers: Whatever we think about other people, things, or situations, they have NOTHING to do with reality. The same is also true the other way around: Whatever other people think about us has nothing to do with reality. It's their perceptions, their prejudices they put over us. We serve only as a mirror for their value system, just as they serve as a mirror for our own value system.
When we are happy or unhappy about someone, it is due to the fact that we have judged a person or situation in a certain way and doesn`t mean that this person is good or bad. This also means that the opinions of others about us are not true either. What one person likes can annoy another. So who would be right then? What are we? Boring or interesting? Accessible or repellent? Very chatty (in a bad way) or entertaining?
Especially in conflict situations (whether internal or external), it is important to become aware of the fact that if we feel upset, the only reason for us being distressed is because we judge the situation in a certain way. If we want to feel better, we have to find a different assessment of the situation or the people. The key to happiness is NEVER that the other person or the situation has to change. It is ALWAYS our opinion, our attitude, our judgmental thinking that has to change first. Only then will we immediately find relief.
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