I live on the East Coast of the United States, in the State of Maine, located adjacent to Canada. The crime rate here is the lowest in the US and people recycle their trash. I like the Mainers. They are friendly but also keep their distance. That means that people usually leave you alone but also like to have nice little chats with strangers in cafés and stores. Whenever someone needs help, strong men show up (not only when women are in need of help). Almost every man opens the door for the woman in his company and helps her into her coat. My husband always comes out of the house in order to help me schlep my shopping bags from the car into the house.
From my first day in my new home I felt very comfortable with the Mainers. But for other Americans Mainers are known as cold, distant and quirky. I couldn’t understand that until I talked to a few Southerners who told me how different they deal with each other in their home states. Their people, apparently, are even more open-much more. A Southerner probably feels in Maine like an Italian feels in Hamburg. For me Mainers are perfect. I feel comfortable here. It couldn’t be better.
And yet, until now, I can only call one American woman my girlfriend.
That's probably my fault, because a month after I moved here, I found this German group which met biweekly in a restaurant. There I met a lot of Germans and Americans who came together to speak German. The first year and a half I didn’t miss a single meeting. It was such a relief to speak and hear German for a whole evening. On such evenings, I became aware of how exhausting it was for me to live permanently with a foreign language.
When I celebrated my last birthday I only invited German women. And I thought then how typical it is for foreigners to always team up with their peers. In Berlin I grew up in neighborhoods where there were more Turkish than German children in some schools. There are still parts of Berlin where you would not notice that you are walking on German roads. All the shops are run by Turks or Arabs or other nationalities and you are surrounded by a cosmopolitan mixture of languages. I thought that was great. And I had always understood that Turks preferred to stay with Turks and Ghanaians with Ghanaians. After all, their culture was completely different than the German culture.
But here in Maine the cultural difference is pretty subtle. I seem to fit seamlessly if one disregards my German accent. And yet I have only found one American friend.
Is it the fact that English will never be so connected to my emotions as my native language is? I realize that I am emotionally not as closely associated with English words as with German. For example, for me, English swear words cause only a theoretical outrage when they are used against me. Once a not so friendly Mainer (yes, they also exist) said to me, "Shut the fuck up." I knew exactly what an insult that was but I had to fake my indignation. But, to be honest, his words left me quite cold. But if someone would say, "Halte deine verfickte Fresse" to me I would feel totally different. The German insult would instantly trigger feelings with me, either fear or anger.
Or is it that rumor I heard as a teenager that says that Americans are very superficial? I can't confirm that rumor so far. But perhaps the true core of this rumor is that some Americans build relationships and friendships in a different way than I am used to. My observation is that they seem to define the word friendship differently than I do. The Americans who I got to know often refer to someone who would have just been an acquaintance for me as a friend. But then I see them helping these friends/acquaintances. They often get very engaged in helping their friends. I would only do that for my closest friends.
As a Berliner, it was natural for me that people of different nationalities come together. And here in the US, I am so glad that I have my German women. Thanks to them I feel so comfortable here.
But I wish that I could just as easily make friends with American women. Somehow I feel guilty that I did not integrate myself better. But since I do not really know how I could do better, I'll probably go with business as usual. Who knows, maybe it's just a matter of time?
Karina
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