Thank God I'm Still Fat

Who would we be if we had no problems anymore? What would we think and talk about? How would we fill our time? A few years ago I became aware that I allowed my problems to define me. And the prospect of having no problems anymore made me afraid.

I vividly remember that day more than 20 years ago. I just went along the street to my apartment. An hour earlier I had signed my very first proper work contract, with the promise of training as a bookseller in the following year. I was in my late 20s and had FINALLY, FINALLY, managed to pursue a professional direction. I couldn't have been happier in that moment.

But when I approached my house, I slowed down and got more thoughtful. My joy was reduced with every step because I became aware of something. So many years I had three problems that appeared to me enormous and insurmountable. First, I was overweight and my weight increased continuously; second, I had been single for ages; and third, since I left school I didn't know what I wanted to do for a living and had therefore neither a job nor any useful training (I don't count my time at the university because it never let into a career).

My third problem was thus solved, and when I realized this I stopped on the sidewalk. This mega problem was actually solved. I no longer had to feel guilty and shabby because I had no profession. I had no reason to experience periods of depression, become self-reproachful, constantly buy new books on the subject, or go into therapy. But instead of relief I felt something completely different.

I heard myself seriously ask "Now what? I actually got rid of this existential problem. But what's left of me?" Feelings of emptiness and fear grew in me.

And then came the answer: "Thank God I'm still fat!"

As I got aware of this thought I almost had to laugh out loud. I resumed my way to my apartment while I processed this absurd sentence.

.I suddenly realized that I couldn't imagine a life without staggering problems. And I also had to admit a few prejudices. I was convinced that only those with severe problems were deep and empathetic and intelligent people. People who had never suffered were, in my opinion, superficial. And I didn't want to be superficial in any way. It was the first time in my life that I could see a benefit in my depression and problems. When I imagined myself being slim with a nice job and living in a happy relationship then I saw only a very superficial Karina in front of me - a Karina who had nothing to offer in order to connect with other people.

I was shocked. If I actually believed such a thing, how could I then expect to find solutions to my problems? I would probably always sabotage myself subconsciously and thus ensure that my problems would never disappear.

On that day I learned something about myself. And I knew I was only at the beginning of my journey. Of course, I couldn't resolve my fears and beliefs right then. I kept feeling my relief that I still had unresolved issues. But from that day on I never forgot that it is not my goal to continue to define myself by my problems. And I also wanted to work on the prejudice that happy people are superficial people.

Today all three of my main problems are resolved and yet I'm still relieved that my life keeps throwing new bones to me with which I can hone my mental and emotional teeth. I have a fulfilled life but that doesn't mean that every day is pink for me. But I have different kinds of problems now that are mostly not so large and overwhelming.

But it is true that I have much less to tell since I have no major problems anymore. I remember how my girlfriends and I spent millions of hours illuminating my problems from all sides. These were the most beautiful and profound moments in our friendships. But I never talked more than one minute about what a great job I have and what a wonderful relationship I have with Andrew.

It was a challenge for me when I lost all my weight and won my husband almost at the same time. I had to somehow fill the void (being in love helps at the beginning, of course, immensely). But I noticed that I am still focused on my former weight. All my life I was overweight and now that I'm slim I write a lot about obesity and even want to build a website that deals with this subject. The fat Karina just won't let me go. Or rather, I don't want to let her go. Because the question is who am I if I am no longer the fat woman or ex-fat woman? And is that enough, anyway?

---------------------------------------------------------

Find this article also in German - Gott sei Dank bin ich noch fett - Die deutsche Version dieses Artikels