Do you hate exercising? Then don't do it!

Everything in my life boils down to how I feel. If I feel good, I am full of optimism, energy, and ideas. If I feel sad, frustrated, alone, inferior, etc., the opposite is the case. It's logical, isn't it? That is the reason why I am so interested in finding methods (and then actually applying them) that help me to get over my lows. But I also want to make sure that I get rid of the thought patterns that made me feel so bad in the first place.

And that is exactly the reason why I do not exercise anymore.

I was overweight as early as my teenage years. I stood out among my classmates, especially when we had physical education. My petite classmates, who were often shorter than me, jogged elegantly and with visible ease while they were intensely discussing their latest dramas with their friends. I was left behind because after only a few meters I started to gasp with asthmatic symptoms. For me it would have NEVER been possible to talk while I was running. My face turned beet red and I started to sweat. I never saw one of my elfin classmates sweating or flushing. I was ashamed at every gym class and hated myself more and more for being so heavy and ugly.

Throughout my school years gym classes were only a trigger for feelings of shame and self-hatred. But at the same time, I was also taught that exercise is oh so healthy. If we do not exercise, we get sick and die an early and miserable death. And I didn't want to die. That's why I always did some exercise in my life: dance classes, exercise classes, fitness studio, Nordic Walking, etc. But I hated every minute of it. And as I grew heavier over the years, my shame and my self-hatred also grew bigger when I pursued such activities. Everywhere I went I was the panting, sweating, obese woman.

Now I am at my normal weight. I don't attract any attention in the gym, even if I sweat and gasp, because others there do the same thing.


Exercising should be fun for me now, right?

But it isn't. The problem is that my subconscious mind is trained to develop feelings of shame and self-hatred as soon as some activity is causing my heart to beat faster and produce sweat on my face.
My last try to obey society's demand for exercise was last year. For six months, at least twice a week, I worked out on the elliptical trainer and lifted weights in the gym. And each time it cost me quite an effort to do it. Nothing could distract me from feelings of inferiority, which inevitably came up when I felt physically exhausted.

A lose/lose situation.

So, now I am in a "bad feeling trap": If I do exercise, I feel bad, because old feelings of inferiority come up, and if I do not exercise, I'm afraid that I will damage my health.

I am convinced that it is unhealthy for me doing something which makes me feel so bad, no matter what doctors and society say. Exercise is supposed to be stress-relieving. But even several hours later I am still in a bad mood and depressed, which is not a sign for me that I have reduced any stress. I don't believe that the hours of exercise outweigh the psychological distress which the exercise, itself, had caused in me in the first place. It is not healthy if I treat myself so badly. But I am convinced that it is healthy when I treat myself lovingly.

To treat myself lovingly means, in this case, to learn to trust that I will remain healthy even if I do not exercise. Instead I eat very healthy, I don't smoke or drink and my good mood is not interrupted anymore by regular fitness classes.

For me, it is much more pleasant to avoid exercising. I am still a little worried, but this feeling is not nearly as strong as the negative feelings that come up during any physical activity.

And finally, we all know that fitness is not the only reason why people stay healthy. Fitness does not necessarily protect us from an early death or illness. Exercising is great and healthy when it's fun. If it's not fun, then exercising might not kill us, but it spoils our mood and thus the entire day, and therefore the quality of life.